Posts
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Oh yeah..
I am the type of girl
who dates the type of guy
who leaves to go fishing with his buddies
and comes homes on mushrooms.
I am the kind of girl
Who dates the kind of guys
Who never really wanted it
In the first place
I am the type of girl
Who leaves the type of guys
Who would sell their kidney
Just to buy me what I want
But I am the type of girl
Smart enough to realize,
I am the type of girl
Who can't pick her type in guys.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Not doing this for my health.
So I am not going to go into the literally dozens of reasons why my latest ex boyfriend should have never been my boyfriend in the first place, but there is something I noticed, even from inside of the relationship.
I seem to have accepted dating men who are completely incapable of verbal affection (now completely unacceptable), and my way of attempting to receive said affection was a call and response. IE: If I said "Honey, I heart you :)" persons response should have been "I heart you,too :)" with out even thinking about it. Well seeing as how I am no longer in said relationship and I wasn't getting what I needed in the first place he obviously didn't follow this call and response, and I caught myself thinking "I am not saying this for my health, jerk" and at that point I realized I wasn't saying these things for him or us I was saying them just because I wanted to hear it from him. I suggest just picking up and leaving at that point. But I am stubborn and decided I wanted to make him someone I just wanted to say these things to, and not someone who I was only saying these things to to get him to say something sweet to me.
When you realize you are only saying or doing things only to get attention or affection and are not just happy being with the person you are with you should probably leave. Learn from me, I keep forgetting that these things should not be so hard or painful.
I don't know why it is so hard for me to accept the fact there is NOTHING wrong with me.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
What do you mean I am not one of the guys?
I keep forgetting I have this little impairment that kind of, oh you know, pumps brain altering hormones into my body. Silly uterus.
For some reason I think that I need to keep up, that I need to be tough, that I can not back down. I need to change that... quickly. I am very close to completely breaking myself in a few different ways and I am too good to let that happen.
I am a beautiful, strong, independent woman.
But I am also soft, and sweet, and vulnerable.
I have spent far too much time having guys tell me these are bad qualities. I am done.
I am a girl and dammit, I am going to act like it.
Not going shot for shot with the boys, not pretending someone being an ass doesn't bother me and letting them keep it up, not letting men treat me like crap.
Trust me, you will appreciate it when it stops coming to a head and having me freak out.
Happy New Years Lovies.
<3
For some reason I think that I need to keep up, that I need to be tough, that I can not back down. I need to change that... quickly. I am very close to completely breaking myself in a few different ways and I am too good to let that happen.
I am a beautiful, strong, independent woman.
But I am also soft, and sweet, and vulnerable.
I have spent far too much time having guys tell me these are bad qualities. I am done.
I am a girl and dammit, I am going to act like it.
Not going shot for shot with the boys, not pretending someone being an ass doesn't bother me and letting them keep it up, not letting men treat me like crap.
Trust me, you will appreciate it when it stops coming to a head and having me freak out.
Happy New Years Lovies.
<3
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Fleeting
There is something to be said about someone who has managed to maintain a relationship longer than a matter of months, something about having a long term anything might prove to yourself that everything isn't fleeting.
This is something I wouldn't know.
In my life everything is fleeting, nothing has lasted. I guess the only things that have ever lasted in my life is my parents and my brother and even that is so here or there that its irrelevant.
It is rather distressing to be able to tell one exactly how a situation is going to end
having done the same patterns over and over again.
If there is no title, I get to stick around long enough for him to find himself/ recoup/ be happy and then little miss perfect shows up and I am just a "friend" ....
kiss of death .
lovely.
If its all happy and good and I am the one to leave then its out of boredom.
...... I really hope that this isnt a constant. I would like to think that the cure is to find someone who will never bore me, but when was the last time that someone could actually do that.
Life is consistently moving forward, therefore always changing, always something new and forward and mostly better. How can ANYone expect someone to be able to match them step for step in a life that will never be the same as it was 20 mins ago. Is personality and chemistry enough ? Tolerance? Patience ?
And even those things are hard enough to match.
Trust me.
This is something I wouldn't know.
In my life everything is fleeting, nothing has lasted. I guess the only things that have ever lasted in my life is my parents and my brother and even that is so here or there that its irrelevant.
It is rather distressing to be able to tell one exactly how a situation is going to end
having done the same patterns over and over again.
If there is no title, I get to stick around long enough for him to find himself/ recoup/ be happy and then little miss perfect shows up and I am just a "friend" ....
kiss of death .
lovely.
If its all happy and good and I am the one to leave then its out of boredom.
...... I really hope that this isnt a constant. I would like to think that the cure is to find someone who will never bore me, but when was the last time that someone could actually do that.
Life is consistently moving forward, therefore always changing, always something new and forward and mostly better. How can ANYone expect someone to be able to match them step for step in a life that will never be the same as it was 20 mins ago. Is personality and chemistry enough ? Tolerance? Patience ?
And even those things are hard enough to match.
Trust me.
Sunday, August 07, 2011
thunderstoms are love
Rehashing; redeveloping, reconnecting.
the best thing for me ever is to stay busy. I am not allowed to stop anymore.
Also I need to remember my priorities. <3
the best thing for me ever is to stay busy. I am not allowed to stop anymore.
Also I need to remember my priorities. <3
Thursday, July 14, 2011
things i have learned this week
Don't sleep in awkward positions.
Don't be so negative, it helps nothing.
Putting your cellphone on vibrate is polite. Esp when the pitiful negative girl is trying to sleep in an awkward position and your ringtones are obnoxious.
Don't set off the alarm in LaGuardia.
Pocket texts are cuter on an android that turns the emotions into faces.
Journals save my brain.
I need to start carrying my craft stuff.
And a lunchbox.
That its kind of important to grow a pair and do what's needed.
Welbutrin isn't enough.
When I fall apart it seems everyone around me does at the same time yet unrelated.
That I have friend girls, that like me, that I don't hate and actually like too.
That I really want to have a sleepover.
And fuzzy slippers.
And to paint my nails.
I am a brat.
...a smart brat :/
That's dangerous.
I have no patience for people for so many reasons.
I like being pretty.
Sometimes I can be chick like.
Crew bag/ laptop not necisarry and very heavy/ burdensome.
Don't break your luggage handle.
Speed tape is the shit.
Speed tape will also cut you.
My memory is going to shit. But only on important things, things I should brush off and forget are wiggle forever.
My phone auto correcting "with me" to wiggle makes me giggle, a lot.
I am far needier than I thought I was.
Crews from new York in general aren't very talkative.
You can make a lot of meals from a continental breakfast.
Rob still gives me tingles when he kisses my cheek.
I can't even try to read my hello kitty watch.
Don't hand people things and walk away.
I can go a long time with no food.
But this makes me even more instable than usual.
Don't drink after doing that.
Esp with your bf. While pmsing.
Don't underestimate bfs understanding/ patience.
Planes/ scheduling respond to happy thoughts.
I am too afraid of change to enjoy myself.
I function best when I have purpose.
I don't really have a current purpose.
Out of all the shit in my suitcase I don't have pants.
I will be rid of facebook soon enough.
I still crave skating.
I still both really love and really hate my job.
I have lost touch with myself.
And most people around me.
I can come off as bitchy when I don't mean to.
Good pilots make a trip.
Music effects me a little too much.
I am ok being up north during a heatwave at home.
People are very very dumb.
Also they feel entitled.
And superior.
I have the uniform I am in charge.
Even if you are old.
I can't sleep past noon anymore.
I really like watching the news.
I love learning new things.
Only if they are interesting.
I love terry pratchet.
I used to have a lot of power.
I was also on a path to kill myself.
I still miss the power :/
I will live longer without it right now.
So will my relationship.
Miss Tori D'affair needs to be trained.
My old life has compleatly ruined my ability to trust anything.
At all.
Self preservation is important.
But self fullfllling prophecies need to be kept in check.
I need to calm down and breathe.
I don't know how.
I can't do this alone.
No one can.
I want to help my friends.
Don't be so negative, it helps nothing.
Putting your cellphone on vibrate is polite. Esp when the pitiful negative girl is trying to sleep in an awkward position and your ringtones are obnoxious.
Don't set off the alarm in LaGuardia.
Pocket texts are cuter on an android that turns the emotions into faces.
Journals save my brain.
I need to start carrying my craft stuff.
And a lunchbox.
That its kind of important to grow a pair and do what's needed.
Welbutrin isn't enough.
When I fall apart it seems everyone around me does at the same time yet unrelated.
That I have friend girls, that like me, that I don't hate and actually like too.
That I really want to have a sleepover.
And fuzzy slippers.
And to paint my nails.
I am a brat.
...a smart brat :/
That's dangerous.
I have no patience for people for so many reasons.
I like being pretty.
Sometimes I can be chick like.
Crew bag/ laptop not necisarry and very heavy/ burdensome.
Don't break your luggage handle.
Speed tape is the shit.
Speed tape will also cut you.
My memory is going to shit. But only on important things, things I should brush off and forget are wiggle forever.
My phone auto correcting "with me" to wiggle makes me giggle, a lot.
I am far needier than I thought I was.
Crews from new York in general aren't very talkative.
You can make a lot of meals from a continental breakfast.
Rob still gives me tingles when he kisses my cheek.
I can't even try to read my hello kitty watch.
Don't hand people things and walk away.
I can go a long time with no food.
But this makes me even more instable than usual.
Don't drink after doing that.
Esp with your bf. While pmsing.
Don't underestimate bfs understanding/ patience.
Planes/ scheduling respond to happy thoughts.
I am too afraid of change to enjoy myself.
I function best when I have purpose.
I don't really have a current purpose.
Out of all the shit in my suitcase I don't have pants.
I will be rid of facebook soon enough.
I still crave skating.
I still both really love and really hate my job.
I have lost touch with myself.
And most people around me.
I can come off as bitchy when I don't mean to.
Good pilots make a trip.
Music effects me a little too much.
I am ok being up north during a heatwave at home.
People are very very dumb.
Also they feel entitled.
And superior.
I have the uniform I am in charge.
Even if you are old.
I can't sleep past noon anymore.
I really like watching the news.
I love learning new things.
Only if they are interesting.
I love terry pratchet.
I used to have a lot of power.
I was also on a path to kill myself.
I still miss the power :/
I will live longer without it right now.
So will my relationship.
Miss Tori D'affair needs to be trained.
My old life has compleatly ruined my ability to trust anything.
At all.
Self preservation is important.
But self fullfllling prophecies need to be kept in check.
I need to calm down and breathe.
I don't know how.
I can't do this alone.
No one can.
I want to help my friends.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
California Day 1
So yesterday I left bright and early for California
and when I say bright and early I dont even mean bright because it was 5 am and the sun wasnt going to be out for quite a while yet. But if I wanted to get to San Louis Obispo I had the leave then. So I get on my plane no problems, I check my bag, I wedge myself into my little sleep position and I cover myself in my pea coat, was lovely. Until I woke up right before descent and I have the worst airsickness I have ever had, (though I have never been airsick before so it wasnt hard) and I manage to make it into my sick sack and am feeling much better and kind of proud that I made it into the bag and didnt make a huge mess and then the flight attendant comes over to try and talk to me about where I am going ... the proud feeling is immediatly embarrasment and I am attempting to make small talk with a bag full of puke in my hands. This is not good, I am trying to decide how to dispose of said bag and end said conversation when I look down and realize it is leaking all over my peacoat. Great. So I ask for some club soda and napkins and perform as much damage control as possible before getting off the plane and carrying around the smelliest jacket from flight to flight ... no good :( also it was my only blanket source I was pretty close to tears, but then I remembered HEY I am going to CALIFORNIA! so yeah I was only grumpy for a bit , but smelly a little longer :X .
So the flight from Charlotte to Pheonix was like a mini twilight zone, I have no clue how long I was actually on that plane with the time zone switch and all and it didnt help I slept most of the flight but the guy next to me kept my waking moment entertaing. Apparently the guy next to me and the two directly across the isle had decided to drink the trip away. Guy next to me ended up with at least 7 bottles before all was said and done and these people ended up geeking out over video games, display severly different ideas on who was punk music and told the girl 10 years thier senior that she was wearing marilyn manson shirts in kindergarden. It was interesting and then they broke the jet bridge. Luckily we were already 20 mins early and no connections were harmed but I got to play buckle the seat belt with a little girl named sparrow and her doll covered in ink pen who was exactly as tall as her. But this was after she crawled into the seat next to me face first into my puky jacket :(
When finally off in Pheonix, which by the way is VERY flat, I went straight across the entire terminal to my gate, chipper and cheerful, just got off the phone with my uncle to remind him, "Hey I will be there in a couple hours! " and as soon as I get to the counter I hear the dreadful words "Thank you for being a volenteer, here is your 300 dollar vaucher and your new gate is right down there." Nonononononoooo. :( the next flight directly to SBP isnt until 9 something, it is 11 am at this point. Luckily I called my uncle and switched myself to Santa Barbara and landed at the same time I was supposed to.
Upon landing I checked to make sure my bag was waiting for me in SBP and got in the car with my cousin Teddy, we drove along the highway which proved to be absolutly stunning and full of color and flowers and far away hill thingies that I think they beleive are mountains... not the case but cool looking none the less. We stopped at a hole in the wall joint and got chilli dogs and onion rings and the like and set off to pick up my bags. Upon arrival no one is at the airport, we have both a giftshop girl AND a TSA agent tell us to go check in the back for the bag/ counter agent and I respond with " I wont get arrested or anything will I ?" ( This is an airport you know, you dont just go waltzing around.) and they respond with "No, but dont tell them I told you you could go back there." Fun. But we went back there and no one was present except another TSA agent who knocked on a door and told us to come back at 8 30 when anyone would be back, there is noone present at the SBP airport from 130- 830 on sundays, not comforting.
After this I meet the cousins girlfriend, I was my jacket, I check my facebook, etc and then my uncle Ted comes home (and yes were are not only dealing with a junior but a III, Theodore is quite the family name) we hang out for a bit and tells me how much I look like my aunt Elaine which I have not heard in years, and we talk to my mom about her trip in Rome and we then head out for sushi. I love sushi and I dont think I have ever had SO much sushi in one sitting. Was lovely. After sushi we went and did a tour of the Madonna Inn while killing time to get my bag, it was amazing. It was this lovely mesh of vintage wonderland. I didnt get to see the rooms in person but they had pictures of all of the themed ones and they were amazing, they had an automatic waterfall urinal in the mens room, there were genuine rock walls with real fossils poking out in places with hand carved railings and whimsical metal work. I died and went to kitchy vintage heaven. everything was bright colored and happy. Oh and they have an infinity pool and a waterfall outside that surges on the hour. http://www.madonnainn.com/ that is the website but I deffinitly suggest googleing "madonna inn rooms" and looking at the pictures they are phenominal. http://www.madonnainn.com/features.php thats the official websites pictures of the rooms.
So after my tour and some pictures we went and got my bag, we got back to the house chatted and then I finally went to sleep almost 20 hours after my 5 am boarding.
was lovely :) Now on to day 2 <3
and when I say bright and early I dont even mean bright because it was 5 am and the sun wasnt going to be out for quite a while yet. But if I wanted to get to San Louis Obispo I had the leave then. So I get on my plane no problems, I check my bag, I wedge myself into my little sleep position and I cover myself in my pea coat, was lovely. Until I woke up right before descent and I have the worst airsickness I have ever had, (though I have never been airsick before so it wasnt hard) and I manage to make it into my sick sack and am feeling much better and kind of proud that I made it into the bag and didnt make a huge mess and then the flight attendant comes over to try and talk to me about where I am going ... the proud feeling is immediatly embarrasment and I am attempting to make small talk with a bag full of puke in my hands. This is not good, I am trying to decide how to dispose of said bag and end said conversation when I look down and realize it is leaking all over my peacoat. Great. So I ask for some club soda and napkins and perform as much damage control as possible before getting off the plane and carrying around the smelliest jacket from flight to flight ... no good :( also it was my only blanket source I was pretty close to tears, but then I remembered HEY I am going to CALIFORNIA! so yeah I was only grumpy for a bit , but smelly a little longer :X .
So the flight from Charlotte to Pheonix was like a mini twilight zone, I have no clue how long I was actually on that plane with the time zone switch and all and it didnt help I slept most of the flight but the guy next to me kept my waking moment entertaing. Apparently the guy next to me and the two directly across the isle had decided to drink the trip away. Guy next to me ended up with at least 7 bottles before all was said and done and these people ended up geeking out over video games, display severly different ideas on who was punk music and told the girl 10 years thier senior that she was wearing marilyn manson shirts in kindergarden. It was interesting and then they broke the jet bridge. Luckily we were already 20 mins early and no connections were harmed but I got to play buckle the seat belt with a little girl named sparrow and her doll covered in ink pen who was exactly as tall as her. But this was after she crawled into the seat next to me face first into my puky jacket :(
When finally off in Pheonix, which by the way is VERY flat, I went straight across the entire terminal to my gate, chipper and cheerful, just got off the phone with my uncle to remind him, "Hey I will be there in a couple hours! " and as soon as I get to the counter I hear the dreadful words "Thank you for being a volenteer, here is your 300 dollar vaucher and your new gate is right down there." Nonononononoooo. :( the next flight directly to SBP isnt until 9 something, it is 11 am at this point. Luckily I called my uncle and switched myself to Santa Barbara and landed at the same time I was supposed to.
Upon landing I checked to make sure my bag was waiting for me in SBP and got in the car with my cousin Teddy, we drove along the highway which proved to be absolutly stunning and full of color and flowers and far away hill thingies that I think they beleive are mountains... not the case but cool looking none the less. We stopped at a hole in the wall joint and got chilli dogs and onion rings and the like and set off to pick up my bags. Upon arrival no one is at the airport, we have both a giftshop girl AND a TSA agent tell us to go check in the back for the bag/ counter agent and I respond with " I wont get arrested or anything will I ?" ( This is an airport you know, you dont just go waltzing around.) and they respond with "No, but dont tell them I told you you could go back there." Fun. But we went back there and no one was present except another TSA agent who knocked on a door and told us to come back at 8 30 when anyone would be back, there is noone present at the SBP airport from 130- 830 on sundays, not comforting.
After this I meet the cousins girlfriend, I was my jacket, I check my facebook, etc and then my uncle Ted comes home (and yes were are not only dealing with a junior but a III, Theodore is quite the family name) we hang out for a bit and tells me how much I look like my aunt Elaine which I have not heard in years, and we talk to my mom about her trip in Rome and we then head out for sushi. I love sushi and I dont think I have ever had SO much sushi in one sitting. Was lovely. After sushi we went and did a tour of the Madonna Inn while killing time to get my bag, it was amazing. It was this lovely mesh of vintage wonderland. I didnt get to see the rooms in person but they had pictures of all of the themed ones and they were amazing, they had an automatic waterfall urinal in the mens room, there were genuine rock walls with real fossils poking out in places with hand carved railings and whimsical metal work. I died and went to kitchy vintage heaven. everything was bright colored and happy. Oh and they have an infinity pool and a waterfall outside that surges on the hour. http://www.madonnainn.com/ that is the website but I deffinitly suggest googleing "madonna inn rooms" and looking at the pictures they are phenominal. http://www.madonnainn.com/features.php thats the official websites pictures of the rooms.
So after my tour and some pictures we went and got my bag, we got back to the house chatted and then I finally went to sleep almost 20 hours after my 5 am boarding.
was lovely :) Now on to day 2 <3
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