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Sent : Wednesday, January 26, 2005 5:41 AM
To : victoria_small@hotmail.com
Subject : Story I Wrote... (can u send this to jacki + ancel and whoever)
| | | Inbox
wrote this a while back...
Alright… story starts out with this shitty looking
house in a valley surrounded by other houses with farm
animals and garden stuff… every other house in the
valley looks big, modern, and expensive. This house
was used as a shed by the original house which
mysteriously burned down a few years back. The only
thing left now was the shed (house), tall grass, some
ducks, some chickens, rabbits, and a giant black spot
where the old house used to be.
The family who now lives in this house is a special
family… naturally there is a mom, a dad, two sons, a
daughter, a monkey slave, and any other character I
might add in when the story gets too lame.
I could make up some more shit about the history of
the family but I don’t feel like it right now so eat
shit… I will tell you the names of the characters but
Im sure I will change their names around lots so… eat
some more shit…
Okay… starts out as a typical summer morning, no
school, plenty of work to be done… You see a couple of
people working around the house planting stuff and
sheering things...
There is an over-weight middle aged man working on a
lawn mower in the driveway area There is a monkey with
a purple dress and diapers watering flowers in the
garden… There is also a middle aged lady with a
purple dress and diapers watering flowers…
One of the sons is chopping fire wood… the other is
doing drugs in the barn or something and… the daughter
is locked in her room cutting herself…
O yea… there is also the crazy grandpa who is on the
rooftop throwing a boomerang at birds and squirrels
and stuff… Im sure they have names but I guess we
will both find them out when I figure out how to start
this story… The monkeys name is Mary even though it’s
a boy… and the 1st son’s name is Donnie
….Okay I got it! Here we go
Chapter one-ish
Dad yells out, “Hey Donnie… get over here for a
second and help me out.” Donnie stops cutting
firewood and walks over to the lawn mower. “Okay
Donnie, were ganna push the tractor onto the back of
the trailer okay? Push!” “You wanna get off first
dad?” “I said push damnit. GO GO GO!!” Donnie starts
pushing the mower onto the trailer and ties it down…
Dad starts looking around and says, “Actually… why
don’t we push it to the top of the hill?” “What for!?”
“Just push damnit. GO GO GO!!” Donnie gets it untied
and takes it off the trailer.
“Dad, I cant push any farther.” Donnie’s legs start
wobbling trying to hold up the tractor. The dad puts
his legs off the steering wheel and sits up right.
“Are we moving backwards!? Damnit Donnie” Dad puts
the breaks on. “Now we have to push all the way up the
hill with the breaks on… I hope your happy.” The dad
puts his legs up again and relaxes himself. Donnie
shouts, “Where the hell did you get that lemonade!?”
Dad looks in his hand and has a full glass of ice and
lemonade with a little straw and umbrella sticking
out… “…Im not sure.. Maybe your mom brought it out” He
takes a sip “She couldn’t have, shes been by the house
the whole time” “Damnit Donnie, look, will you just
try and concentrate for a second… the tractor needs to
get to the top of the hill.. right..” Donnie gives him
a blank stare “Donnie… we only have about a quarter
mile to go okay” “ Uh... what do you mean “we” ive
been doing all the… WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THOSE
HEAD PHONES!!?” Dad looks down and sees he’s holding a
portable c.d. player. “Huh… that’s weird… I didn’t
know I owned a c.d. player” Dad takes another sip of
lemonade. “Okay Donnie breaks over lets get back to
work” “Can I have a sip of lemonade first” Dad sighs
“You can when you get to the top of the hill, okay?”
Donnie starts pushing again with his legs trembling
all fast and stuff. They finally get to the top of the
hill. Dad sits up and says “Hey! awlright we made it!
Now push me down.” Donnie looks at his dad with his
jaw hanging. “Donnie your not looking so hot.. maybe
you should drink some lemonade.” Dad hands over the
glass. Donnie takes it and says, “There’s nothing left
in here.” “Theres a few ice cubes, you can eat those.”
Donnie throws the glass on the ground. Dad sits up
right and holds onto the steering wheel with both
hands “Okay lets go… Push Donnie!” The dad takes the
breaks off and Donnie starts pushing Dad down the
hill. “WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!”
The tractor rolls all the way down to the driveway
hits the trailer and jumps it onto the roof of the
house, the grandpa freaks and starts hitting dad with
the boomerang. “Damnit Pops… HEY.. stop hitting me
with that!” Dad grabs the boomerang from grandpa and
chucks it into the air… of course it comes back and
grandpa catches it and does a back flip. “Hey Donnie!
… Help your grandpa get the lawn mower off the roof
would ya?” Donnie collapses and rolls down the hill
and skids into the driveway.. Dad jumps off from the
roof and walks over to him. “Donnie help pops get the
mower onto the trailer kay..” Dad drops his
handkerchief on Donnie. “You should wipe that foam off
your mouth before your mother sees okay”
Donnie woke up a few hours later to the chickens
pecking at his eyes. He woke up and started screaming.
Him screaming made the chickens scream. The chickens
screaming made grandpa scream. So grandpa threw the
boomerang at Donnie and once again Donnie became
unconscious. Another few hours later he woke up to
what sounded like gunshots by the river. He got up
and started stumbling towards the river. The sound
wasn’t gunshots but fire crackers.
It was the next door neighbor kid Jason. Donnie
asked, “Dude, what are you doing?” Jason was throwing
some cherry bombs in a small hole. “I’m trying to get
these friggin hobbits to come outside. I might have to
resort to some M-80s. You here that you friggin
trolls!?” Jason shouted into the hole. “How’d you
like a quarter stick of dynamite up your ass!?” a
voice came from the small hole. “We’d like to see you
try, and were not trolls you racist bastard.” Donnie
looked at Jason and said “What the hell was that?”
“They’ve been in there all day.” “Who’s voice was
that… what did you put your little brother in there or
do you have walky talkys or what?” Jason looked at him
funny “No dude there hobbits, now be quite and help me
catch them.”
The voice came from the hole again “If you don’t piss
off we will throw magic acorns at you which will turn
you to stone!” Jason put his head by the door and
yelled, “You stole that from willow you unoriginal
dwarf wanna-bes.” “We’re hobbits you butt licker.”
Donnie grabbed Jason and said “Seriously dude, who’s
doing that.” Jason pulled out a lighter and said, “If
you don’t believe me stick your head in and look.”
Donnie took the lighter and layed down and put his
head in the hole. All he saw was what looked like a
tube, than a spark and pop sound came out of it.
“OW!! Son Of A Bitch!” Donnie held his hand on his
neck. He heard the hobbits laughing. “They freakin
shot me!” Jason smiled, “Oh yea I forgot to mention
they stole my air rifle. That’s why ive been after
them all day, tryin to get it back.” The hobbits
shouted out, “Oh is that what you wanted, come back
down and we will give it back to you.” Jason got a
pissed off look on his face and said, “I’m not falling
for that again, you gnome ass holes.” “We’re not
gnomes you racist prick!” Jason looked at Donnie. “I’m
getting really sick of these little bastards. I
reached in there earlier and they handed me a dildo.
These are some perverted hobbits man.” “Yea I noticed
that on the ground… I wasn’t ganan say anything.”
Donnie started rubbing his neck some more. “Okay
Jason.. honestly man, what the hells goin on.. who’s
in that hole.” The hobbits answered, “Well there’s
us, your mom, your girlfriend, your sister.. the
camera guy, a donkey..” Donnie put his head by the
hole again. “Shut the hell up you little smart ass’s,
trust me, you don’t want me to come in there.” “We’re
not little, as your sister.” The hobbits started
imitating a girls voice and said some pretty vulgar
things about a size of something and an uncomfortable
spot of where its been put.
Donnie reached his hand inside and started flaring his
arm around. Donnie quickly pulled his hand out and
screamed. “Jesus they freaking bit me!” he looked
inside again. “I’m ganna knock your….” Before he could
finish the spark and pop sound went off again. Donnie
flew backwards and put his hands over his face. The
hobbits were laughing hysterically.
Jason came over. “Stop rolling Donnie, let me take a
look at it.” Donnie moved his hands. “Holy crap dude,
right between the eyes.” “Oh dude it really hurts.”
“You know Donnie that was a pretty good shot… it kinda
reminds me of the chick from no doubt.” Donnie gave
Jason an appalled look. “Remember.. that Just A Girl
video, with the chick..” “I know Jason, Gwen Stephanie
thank you.” The hobbits butted in saying, “Oh hell
yea, I love that chick… She’s in here too, she’s
helping your grandma with the donkey.”
Donnie got all twitchy and said, “that’s it,”
sarcastically laughing “I’m getting the hose.” “Donnie
relax, like they could really get a donkey in there.”
“Damnit, I hate you Jason, why did I come over here.”
“Hey, don’t get pissed at me.. its these gremlin jerk
offs.” “We’re not gremlins either you racist dick
hole.” Donnie just started laughing and turned
around. “This….. I’m going home man.” “Cmon Donnie I
need your help.” Donnie turned around again and
started walking backwards. He was saying something to
Jason and tripped over a rock. The hobbits started
laughing hysterically again. Donnie rushed over to
the hole and stuck his middle finger up. “Screw you,
you freakin elfs.” The hobbits shot his middle finger.
Donnie stood up and held his hand where there was now
a bite mark and bullet wound. The hobbits were now
laughing uncontrollably. “We… We… We’re not hobbits.”
Both were giggling even louder now. “I mean were..
we’re not Elves we’re…” They couldn’t finish there
sentence.
Donnie started pacing around and said to himself,
“Gahd what else could happen today?” He heard his
grandpa scream, “Heads up!” Donnie got hit in the side
of the head with the boomerang and fell to the river
making a big splash. “STOP STOP!” the hobbits were
now screaming. “PLEASE… we cant… I cant breath..”
more giggling… Jason turned towards the hole and
said, “Just shut up you little Jews.” The hobbits
completely stopped laughing and there was dead
silence. Even the river stopped flowing and the
grandpa’s boomerang stopped in mid-air. “Did you just
call us “Jews”?” The hobbits whispered to each other
for a while, Jason glanced at the frozen boomerang
with a very confused look on his face. “That’s not
cool man.. We should come out there and kick your ass
for that.” The rifle sprung out from the hole. The
hobbits grumbled a little. “You didn’t need to push it
to that level man, it was just a joke.”
Jason shook his head. “What!? What did I say?” he
turned to Donnie. One of the hobbits came out of the
hole and pointed at Jason. “If you don’t leave right
now I’m calling the police.” He looked over at Donnie.
“and you… your sister is welcome here anytime.” A
giggle came from the hole and the hobbit walked back
with a slight grin on his face. Jason started, “Wait I
still don’t understand..” “Shut-up you neo-nazi son of
a bitch.” The hobbit pulled out four acorns and
started throwing them at Jason.. one hit a tree stump
and turned it into stone, the other hit Jason’s shoe,
another hit an innocent squirrelly bystander, the
other one hit a big rock and… nothing really
happened.” Jason stood frozen. “What the hells
happening to my shoe.” The hobbit inside the hole
yelled out, “The cops are on their way right now
ass-hole.” Jason looked at his feat and said, “Damnit
man these are my favorite pair.”
Jason and Donnie heard sirens, they both took off…
well Donnie did but Jason was struggling trying to
drag himself home with a 60 pound concrete boot on his
leg. He fell over and the hobbit rushed over and
took his wallet. A cop car pulled up and dust flew all
over Jason. A bunch of cops walked by Jason. Jason
pointed at the hobbits and said, “He just stole my
wallet...” One of the cops stood right over him and
said with an Irish accent, “Sir, there is no need to
be using that kind of language.” “…What English?” “Oh
we have a smart mouth do we.” One of the other cops
walked up to the Irish dude and said something to him
in a low voice. “Sir do you have a permit for that
gun.” “It’s a BB gun!” “…Sir, I would watch that lip
if I was you.” Jason pulled out his lip and looked
down on it. “This kid just doesn’t get it.” The cop
shook his head. “Did you threaten the residence of
this home and call them Anti-Semitic names?” “What
Jews.” The cop gave Jason a very serious look. “You
see that star right there.” He pointed to the blue
star on the side of the car. “That there represents
the star of Daniel.” Jason looked at the star and
said, “Don’t you mean the star of David?” “Awlright
that’s it smart ass!” The officer grabbed the
petrified squirrel and started beating Jason with it…
The other officers joined in with their batons, and
the hobbits surrounded him jumping up and down
cheering and using him as a bathroom.
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