love hates you

manana is prom .. im very excited... umm .. im feeling very stuck up and in charge today so i think ill be bitchy for a little while tonight lol .... lets hope it doesnt leak over into tomarrow to much ... i dunno logan seemed to liek me when i was a bitch ...

dad explained the meanign of life to me... or rather at least a secret of the universe.. i looked up the chinese resturant ... they look very good.. im excited..

http://www.taiwangarden.com

they look very nice...



im not feelign so hot so im gonna go clean and listen to hole some more .. i dont give to shyts if you think courtney killed him .. her music is still fucking awsome and i love then both hell she cant be half bad she married him !


muuuuah



vic

i know i know .. lyrics are bad .. but i want under his skin bad

DYING - hole - celebrity skin

You’ve seen the crippled dance
Be your money baby, now’s your chance

I am so dumb
Just beam me up
I’ve had it all forever
I’ve had enough

Remember, you promised me
I’m dying, I’m dying please
I want to, I need to be...
Under your skin
Our love is quicksand,
So easy to drown
They steal the gravity out
From moving ground

Remember, you promised me
I’m dying, I’m dying please
I want to I need to be
Under your skin

And now I understand
You leave with everything
You leave with everything
Remember....

And I now I know that love is dead
You come to bury me.
There’s nothing left here to pretend..

Remember you promised me..
I’m dying, I’m dying please
I want to, I need to be
Under your skin

I’m dying I’m dying please
I’m dying I’m dying please
I’m dying I’m dying please
Under your skin
Under your skin

there are reasons why i love my friends... this is one

TrentReznoRed: h/o a sec
TrentReznoRed is away at 7:39:57 PM.
grayraynebowz: kk

Auto response from TrentReznoRed: grayraynebowz: mm.....
grayraynebowz: sweaty musicians....
grayraynebowz: damn u ...
grayraynebowz: quit giving me thoughts

grayraynebowz: o...m...g
grayraynebowz: hahhaahahhahahahahah
grayraynebowz: i fuckign love you
grayraynebowz: u just made my life...





dude ..... im not even gonna get into it .. just no that convo in his awai message was a while ago so i feel special

muuah
vic

i feel liek such a stranger

i hate not postign in here...

lifes kinda... blurry right now .. im losing touch with reality and everythgin will come rushing back ther minute i graduate... i hat ehow i numb myself under pressure..


lets see school life- decent
love life - absent .... but has a few potential openings?
spirituallity - still absent... maybe college will give em tiem to work on that again
friends- decent
diet- total crap
body- see diet
esteem - so layed back i forget im noticed by ne one ... so its not low but it isnt cocky...

it helps to make things un blurry ...
but this is mine and no one reads it ne way so ill used to to ramble about meaningless nothign!

my legs have been hurting for a while
i hope it isnt a blood clot
i dont wanna die
i also hope it stops cuz it hurts and makes me wanna cry in the middle of doing nothing ....





i love you




not realy but that word is about as costomary as sayinf bless you


so bless you




vic

momentary self loathing being blamed on you

Sunday, April 24, 2005

you cant see me
Current mood: frustrated

you dont see me
you dont care..
i might as well not be here.
if i was gone woudl you notice
if i left town woudl ne one be upset

i wish it was next year ..
i wish i could get out and see the peopel who do care about me
fluvanna is a hole.. an empty worthless hole...
u sit at home and wait to leave

next year shoudl be good
but that isnt now
in the mean time i sit here and rot and dream

its a horrible life

itll be over in september

i love you

somethign from english i wrote

Impossible Endings
In high schools across the country students are being forced into completing senior projects to get their diplomas. Some students only have to complete them for special diplomas. Senior projects are a very vague assignment created just to break a senior’s brain by placing it on top of college business, graduation business, and other end of the year activities. Students are being asked to push themselves to the limit during a time when all they want to do is have fun.
Senior project subjects range from attaining a license in diving to creating a newsletter and getting it printed. Students are being asked to find something their interested in after they had spent every moment of their life since they were 5 to this point focusing all their time working on school, how should they know what their interests are. Students are interested in things that are quick, I don’t know of any students who spend their time hosting elaborate balls and going out of their way to do volunteer work in other countries when they have to either be earning money or making the grade. If a student isn’t working on one of these two things then they either are rich enough to pay off the project and college or they really don’t care.
Some students can actually get this thing done with out having a stress attack but these are the same students who manage to breathe and attain straight A’s, perfect teeth, and find twenty dollar bills on the way to the park. Schools are asking too much at this point, the last part of school should not be the hardest. Senior projects should not be senior projects at all but junior or sophomore projects. Students have enough stress as it is senior year with college , goodbyes, graduation , maintaining GPA’s, and other such things that shouldn’t happen all at once that they don’t deserve to have to go out of their life and world to create something where the whole goal is to make themselves accomplish the impossible.

be nice to me i donated blood today

im in a good mood right now... i gave blood today so im a little out of it and if you cant tell by the horrible typing im in 4th period..... im gonna go sunningwith bj before practice and try to get rid of this head ache... i got most of the things done for my project i just need to look up some things to write tonight... hopefully ill have a couple of pages typed up and life will be good... and mom wont yank me outta the play ... and choir... ugh! but yea... i cant realy think to well right now im tired... i got to hang out with kevin last night .. hes fun to talk to ... lol somehowi mentioned jamie.... not tin the stalker way we were just talking about typesof people and i said there are nice people pretty people ass holes and druggies... druggies have no other lives,pretty people are either ass holes or idiots, nice people are either creepy or ugly or both , and ass holes are hot .. for a while ... so i need a pretty person who is real .. not an ass hole but can be mean when its necisarry ... and not afraid to experiment and have fun ...

somehow i mentioned jamie...

hes one of those peopel who doesntbeleive me when i say hes beautiful


but ye aill leave before i hit stalker status

vic!

why dont people speak

so friday sarah drove me to my house i went and got my stuff and was walkign out the door when ethan calls...... uhhhhh yea i told him id talk to him later
and frankly it irked the fuck outta me ..... he has the balls to call me when hes all over some chick and ignoring me .... HA ... fuck him ... so then i go out with sarah we eat over priced chinese food and watch sin city .... wikid movie... then i go to work and i come home to a voice mail and a missed guest .. tunrs out kevin is finally back in town and he came by while i was at work ..so i wait but he doesnt come by ... and yea i was kinda dissapointed till i went to the back door at liek 840 holding the dog thinking shoudl i turn on the light and i open the door put the dog down and look up to a kevin right there... i almost pissed myslef lol but yea we go for a walk ... lifes good he helpd distract me a little bit from y last problem but that problem was baisically gone after i talked to adam.... yea so im in a bettr mood i just wish i didnt have to go to the doctors in 20 mins ... i signed up to give blood wednesday ... *scared* but its the good thing to do ... so yea ill do it ..

i hope kevins around when i get home .. i wanna go for another walk .. i wish he never went back hes so fuckign awsome i need more laid back friends liek him .... plus he smells realy good lol ... but ne way i think im gonna go and harass ansel some more...


muah


vic

"for this whole horrible half hour ive been tryign to forget you but its no use, jethro i cant think anymore so i know you must be the man for me"

once again shyt fucks it self up in my head...

i had an amazing day friday i got togo one a feild trip got to wear my favvvvvvve tank top lol ... (boobs ) ... and i got to go out to see sin city with sarah and slept over her house... sept i after the play i COULDNT stop thinking about him ... it was driving me madd.. i dont want to be in like with someone i know i cant have .. i dont wanna be in liek with some one i know will just brush me off or even worse pretend liek everythings ok and unknowingly get my hopes up ... i want to stop thinking about it .. i want to be able to focus with out chills going up my spine becaus ei rememebered what it feels like when he touches me and how much i want to have that all the time....
damnit it miss him i just wish he felt the same............



STOP FUCKIGN THINKING ABOUT IT

i hate being a girl ...
girls are so weak and guys dont liek them .. unless their dateing them and theni ts only cuz they are pure sex......

ugh

i need to be not single...




tori

senior spotlight

so i finally figured out what i wannado fro my senior spot light in choir.. i wanna learn how to play pattirothbergs - inside on myguitar andplay and sing that ........ im excited.. i love here and know one will have heard of her wich is kinda not good but realy kewl at the same time cuz ... it makes me me and not you



um yea... ishoudlnt eat somuch sugar at lunch cuz i fell asleep in the other room and now i feel all sticky .,,.,.,.,.,.....

blah



im in a goodmood.. iget to see sarah and she shoudlbe comgin over tomarrownight.... we cantalk to adam some more.. and thiskeyboard realy realy sucks


vic

ARGH!!!

omg... so life is mondo hectic right about now .... but yea.. i realuy hope kailees situation becomes clearfor her ./. i want her to stay but thats my opinion.. life will work out i promise... but yea.. joe isdead to me .. im not even gonna fuck with it .. im gonna give him his money tell him hes a lousey fuck and that hes lucky i dont turn himin forharrasment then just go about life day dreamingabout beating the living shyt out of him andhoping he dies ofaids.... but yea other wise... life is decent icalled logan last night ... *sigh* ... i cant wait till prom .. i dont liek not seeinghim .. .. cuz i dontknow what i want ne more.. but yea... i talked to daniel at lunch today i missed him yesterday..... lol its crazy hes such a fuckign awsome person ...


ugh



i realy just wannago to practice and eat my zebra cakes!!!!!!!!!!!!
im going on a feild trip friday .. im excitedi get to see fiddler on the roof... this space bar is fucked up ....



ryan was reading over myshoulder....lol ;look there he goes again!!!!!!!!!! lol ilove ryan he makes me laugh ....




vole


vic

whore moan ul

last night i didnt dream of logan ... (sorry babe) ... i drempt abotu hostages.....

i was in a house and all of a sudden every one was ebing held hostage so i ran out and ran into the house next door wich was mine and my family (there were liek 6 other people who were my "family" ) was inside .. also being held hostage so i start yellign at the lady tellign me to sit down so they can tie me up and order me around .. i was tryign to get her to grab me .. i had this thing on my finger which was a blade so when she grabbed me i stroked her arm ... (with the blade) but she wasnt really payign attention so she kept a hold of me and laughed and sayd it was sharp enough so i did it again but realy hard and she started screamign when i looked down and sayed you bleeding and made these horrible chocking sounds lieka dieing animal and we all ran out .. but then i ran back in with some 8 yr old who was my " brother" and tried to get a fone to call 911... and the lady came back and stabbed my brother and was tryign to stab me .. but then i woke up and yea.. im pretty sure i kicked her ass lol

daddy has been getting realy pissy latly...its making me mad.. its wierd .. i got more charms for my bracelette... its done .. its covered! its awsome .. mr fisho died yesterday .. i realy want a new one but thier takign thier time...

have you ever just wanted a certain some one to tell you how much they loved you and how much they only want you even though they could and have had any girl they pleased...... yea.. im wantignt hat right now and about to start my period so all my emotions are heightend...

in my dreams i have always either drempt of my grandmas house or a huge house where there is an area for me and only me .. most of the time im the only person who knows about the area not to mention the only person who goes there... well iw as just thinkign about it and it sliek ive been waiting for college since i was liek 4 .. ive always wanted to be away from my family and by myself but able to be with peopel my age ... peopel i wanna hang out with and be calm and happy....


i realy dont wanna be home rigth now ...
id realy liek to go to town and see logan ... only seeing him once is such a fuckign tease.. i just re relized how encapturing he is ... i mean he does still piss the fuck out of me cuz he wont tell me hes mine and thats all i have and will ever want from him ... but i doubt ill ever hear it .. but he does make me feel so comfortable and familiar and maybe its just cuz ive known him longer then most all my freinds.. btu i dunno ...

i really just wanna be with him right now..... damnit!



bleed alreadi



vic

i hope your as happy as your pretending

i FINALLY got to see logan tonight... im so amazingly extreamly so mcuh! happy and excited, there is no one else i woudl rather go to prom with right now .. im so glad i got to see him he feels so familiar to me even though i havnt seen him in 3 years i feel like were together all the time.... i realy like him .. he makes me feel .. so..... i have no fuckign clue .. im just super extreamly happy and excited right now ...

he even talked to my dad...... ryan hated my family and was a brat and showed it ... damnit....

im gonna go explode somewhere....


much love....


vic!

trouble , falls into my lap .... or katie throws it at me

so i uh talked to katie today!! i miss her liek a mother fucker... my original subway freind... *sigh* good days...

she gave me a little present... im excited

but yea.. i got my prom dress last night ... i shoudl eb seeing logan tonight ... my life is now justa series of waiting so ill go do that and quit boring you!

not good enough . but he still loves me

turns out johns talkgin to some oen ... good for him

um im getting all this prom stuff straight .. its a pain in the assssss

but i might get to see logan tomarrow
and i got my dress tonight ..

im soo happy...
happy and sick
but fucking happy!


vic

amazing

well tori has a date ...a dn its a good one too .. logans takign me to prom .. and i am soo fuckign happy... im so releived its with soem oen i know and want to be with but even more excited cuz i never get to see logan !

.. im to excited to talk much right now ....

muuuuuuuuah starfuckers

tori

intreblaze24

prominade


still no date, which would be fine ... nevermind it is not fine! it is my senior prom damnit... but i want to go with some one i like.... some one who i can have fun with ... i woudl kill to ask john and him say yes.. but im running out of time and i dont think he would say yes... maybe if i offered to buy his ticket? ... i dont know... ill try and talk to him this weekend...

but any way ..

i feel liek the whole world is against me right now and the people who arnt i feel so far away from .. i realy just want to make their problems dissapear... and i would kill for some one to come hug me rigth about now... but some one who i like ... im not talkign abotu crush im talkign about someone who i can be me with someoen who makes me happy a real friend and not this cutsy hug hug kiss kiss bs....

i wish i was more then friends with john ....... but this isnt the point... its just hes the ONLY person in fluvanna i could see myself with ... but its prolly just cuz i dont know him well enough to not liek him yet lol








so fucking out




that girl

joel-peter witkin

i was reading kailees magazine..a nd it had the66.6 top goth moments in it ..a ndthey had images fromt he closer video..a dn it said it was inspired by joel-peter witkin.. i lookedhim up ... im to dark for my friends lol .. george islike ewwww hes dead! lol


muah


vix

*living things*

turns out im not goth ne more.... at all .. i wonder when that happend?.. prolly 2 yrs ago ... but i just noticed... o well for the best goths are a little to .. blah for me

i love to much


i finished my sign of commitment.. and we currently have no teacher but were a lovly class who are mainly seniors in govners school .. so were being good... plus we have comps to occupyour selves with ...


but yea i have to pee..... so i dunno what im gonna do .. no teacher to sign my book ill prolly leave in a little bit but i have todo mny qoute....



muuuahhhh


tori

*dream on starshyne*

Dream on little girl
For dreams are warm and the world is cold
Dream on little girl
Don’t let your soul get old


I drempt about jamie last night. But not realy . I drempt my dad kept walkgin in on me doing something I wasn’t sposed to be doing so he came in a 3rd time so I decided to hide but he has a bunch of flowers… I came out and asked what they were for .. he said some oen sent them to me (I NEVER get flowers) … so I was perplexed.. and the next thing I know a guy shows up and is like hey its jamie from where you used to live sept he ment pa and he was a little punker… and big and buff … and blond… looked nothing like jamie… and didn’t even seem to act like him either… but yea.. so im living with my family at grams house and hes telling me how much he wants to hang out and be with me and its like im 14 and hes 19…. I felt sooo utta place… I mean I was like mom I love him blah blah bullshyt and she was like omg hes my favorite u need to marry him ! and im like uhhhhh ..cuz I was like this ISNT jamie…… and I dunno I guess I liked the attention … and I like dreaming about people I know.. but I didn’t know this guy … O! and he was a "devout catholic" ?!!?!? he kissed my parents asses and payed NO mind to me .. I didn’t like this guy to much …
Well yea dream over
I did talkt o jamie on the fone last night .. he sounds like chris… like a lot… like it was freakign me out I was waiting for him to say something weird like chris like woah or .. soemthign … lol but he didn’t …. He was cool to talk to .. lol I got online a chris was on so I told him about his vocal other….. lol chris is great!
He told me dylan and brandon are going to vcu next yr!!! So hes gonna introduce me on the trip and I m gonna have new friends for next yr! * Excited *
Welli must go get dressed and ready for schoool
* Mreow *
vic

never EVER settle for less.. u only live once.

im realy bored right now .. i think i have to ask mom to take me back to richmond friday .. i realy dont want togo .. i dont like shopping ,,, ill feel perfectly fine about my curvaciouse mess of a body .. then they try to dress it up in things that barely fit on a anorexic 12 yr old... esteem ... shyt ..... yea...
but im feelign realy pretty today ... very pretty... which is fun .. i feel bad for bj .... i know she shouldnt have done that but i dont believe in holding back . if you want to do something and the other persondoes too ... i dont beleive ylu should restrain urself just because its not the "cool" thing to do ... which um also got me in a lot of trouble .. cuz yea i wanted to kiss ian ... but ian wanted me to love him ... false emotions are in there somewhere... but not on purpose...

but yea that was a while ago

i realy realy hate being in school so long .. im so tired and angry and upset ltly..... i need to find that bottle of st johns wart ... i have no clue where i threw it... but yea... this blows..

i wish i was at home on my computer talkign to some one who makes me ahppy....... or i wish i was out hanging with someone .... i realy just need to be out... with peopel... im gettign realy ... ugh ... normally i go out with sarah alot and i love sarah madly but i need someone whos a little more me and a little more social... like kailee... i dunno ... i wanna go with a group of people...

i was talking to jamie the other daya nd i reminded myself of edward mckays... omg... if i lived in nc right now... id live there... gettign free books and eatign pizza... and if i didnt liek pizza
9liek i dont now) then id hit up pastabilities... best wraps ever!! lol ... god im such a dork on the inside.... but not a geniouse... just quiet booky .... half the time... *nostalgic* i wish i was there... sept mckays moved any way i dont know where they are ne more...

i gave myself a pedicure last night .. i actually have cute feet... im proud damnit...

im rambling wayyy to much ......


fucking ......

vic

....i have some bodys head, ... but i dont think i killed him ...

Taurus
Daily extended (by Astrology.com)One of several scenarios is about to unfold, so prepare yourself. A) You may receive a call from someone you haven't heard from in forever, who'll beg you to just jump on a plane and visit. B) You'll have an argument with a dear one about money, and you know how you hate those. C) A casual encounter will result in a not-so-casual embrace. Better think about it before you make a move. Really.

does it count that last nigth a girl i dont talk to to much calls me and beggs me to get her flight times?thier getting more and more specific ...... im votign c i need hugs latly....




last night i drempt aboutt his asian girl .... she got off a aplane and was wondering a ghetto area... and this black girl .. skinny and pretty as anythign about 17 comes over to her and asks her is shes ok ... she looks up and says i have some bodys head but i dont think i killed him ... she asks the asian girl if she has any idea who did and she stops talking ..so the black girl tells her to come with her and to walk in the middle of the street even if a car comes and took the head out of her hands... and car comes and taps the black girl so she freaks out throws the head under the wheel and moves to the side of the street .. while the car takes the head far far away ... and it looks like it has nothgin to do with the asian girl .. so the black girl adopts her and takes her to a party where she finds out who her new father will be ... shes all dressed up but like she was going to a club ... (after comeing straight from asia, liek old asia) .... and she goes to the bathroom and she walks leik she knows who she is and where shes going... and a panther tries to follow her in the bathroom .. she yells at it and closes the door..leavign her jacket on the panther... so anyway .. she cant realy get her pants off .. their entirely too tight... but when she does she sits down and tries to understand where the head came from and why she cant rememeber....


it was a wierd fuckign dream... there was even more imposiblilities in it i wont go into details over ... ill just let you know it had somethign to do with josh neitz being madly in love with me ... HAHAHAAHAHAH ....... i fuckign hate him ...*sigh*

ok i love you guys but i lost an hour so i must go shower


loves

vic

are you excited for xmas ling ling?! .. its a tumor!!!

ugh
i found THE dress... and it looks liek shyt on me ... so i have no dress.. i have nothign but a few new shirts .. that i still feel fat in .. i feel fat all the time.. and im hididng behind my sweatshirt.. i hate it ...
and its not liek im not eatign right and exercising...


pill is bad




vic

quick ! get me out

Taurus(April 20-May 20)Stop tapping on the desk. You're not the only person on the planet who's ever been in dire need of a change in scenery. Your mission is to find a way to get yourself to where you need to be.

this reminded me of the convo i was havign last nigth with my friend... i told him i couldnt wait till i was in richmond... i felt like i was gonna burst last night .. i hate how negative i feel latly.. i just need to curl up with someone and be happy again ... btu yea.. were not gonna get into why thats not gonna happen right now .. but yea and so i was also saying i shoudl come visit him .. but yea... 3 hrs isnt bad by car... but um i dont drive... i wish i did ... id go visit him as soon as summer started... life woudl be fun ..... *giggles* i love tlking to him .. makes me smile ......

smilign is fun ...
i just wish he was closer ... so i woudlnt have to wait for my lovely internet to love me back to be happy and cheerful again ... yea... my timer is deffinitly back.... it realllly sucks...

o and the pope is dyeing......



am i the only oen who knew this a weekago!?!?

ughhhher ....


i have to ride the bus home todai .. i do think im gonna pass out... its warm in here.. and im tired... and ...tired....

i love you guys .... welll no .... but i love some peopel who read this ... they rest of you dont care so i dont love you


<3456 victoria