wana know what my dreams ar elike right now? how life has been for the past yr ?

you fucker
didnt you know
i can already see the twists

i can always see the twists

she is crying
you are kissing her
she is crying
she is up against the wall and she is screaming
you are kissing you
why cant you hear her scream
why cant you see she is crying

you are kissing her.

stop reminding me that failed

hello
this is my names
this is my face
i reject you
nice to meat you

i told you
i told you
i FUCKING told you
i told me
nothing would come of it
nothing would fucking come of it

stop your fuckign dreaming
if you want to end up happy
stop building fuckign castles

stop fuckign dreaming

I FUCKING TOLD YOU

stop you goddamned crying

your suposed to be strong you purile brat

you cannot be strong and the victim at the same time

broken is not beautiful



they only want to fuck you .

so do it and move on already,
and for god sakes quit you fucking crying.

confession, profession, apoologetic relizations ...

i regret never sneaking onto the roof
i regret never stealing pictures of Richmond from Kyle's 8th floor window

i regret spending hours in guys apartments waiting for something good
doing nothing but watching them play games and wonder why the hell I'm still around being bored

i regret a lot of things
most of all being stupid and not being selfish and letting my life live

i regret being so submissive
letting things happen that i should have shut down along time ago

i apologize for letting myself get this far lost
i apologize for treating you like a toy because it was the only way i knew how to cope
to take YOU and use YOU to make me feel like I was the one in charge because i had so utterly lost myself
and any hope there was left to have

you just thought i was a whore...

no... i'm just a fucked up little girl whose lost all hope and faith in love, decent people, and believing men at all

i apologize for my ways
even thought none of you ever will.

oh btw im home.

ill explain the number one reason i dont want to be home all summer ....

last summer.

even thought im over it , ive been over it adam means very little to me any more i still feel sick when i wake up in the mornings.
i still wake up and feel like someone just ripped me to shreds and that im dyeing .

i am not .
im in a good place... well atleast i wish i was and like to pretend i am

im slowly coming to the relazations that i forgot how im suposed to feel abotu people .. i keep making freidns with people i dont like , i keep flirting with guys who do not interest me personality wise or even visually , i keep worrying myself sick over things that do not matter
and worse of all im letting my self cling to the stupid little things from me and kyle... kyle the guy i dated for abotu a mnth and a week total.. the guy who i HATED while i was still with him .. the boy who ignored me all day and im sure never once gave a damn if i was there or not ... the boy who told me i was beautiful .. the one who told me he cared about me and never once tried to urge me for sex... (whihc made me worry alot) ... the boy who kissed me while i was sitting on his bathroom sink and i fussed till he came closer to me and made an absolute mess of my favorite shirt and told me he liked how stubborn i was ...

i was happy...
and it all went away
i was even happy at the worst moments...
i mean i was sad that he didnt treat me like i was worth being in the same room as him
but i knew atleast someone out there still thinks im pretty .. but i dont know if someone out there still thinks im amazing and that im worth falling head over heals for
that im worth blowing others off
that im worth baracading away in my apartment for three days in and out of pajamas watchign movies, sleeping in each others arms, takign stupid pictures of kissy faces and silly faces, wispering sweet nothings and waking eachother up with kisses.... even though they know i wont reciprocate until i jump out of bed not even coherent yet to brush my teeth..:) .....

yes im crying as i write this
and yes i admit i miss adam ... only because that was the last time i was truely happy with a guy .

im losing hope that theres any one out there that could make me feel like i did with ryan and adam ...

but i know for a fact that it doesnt only occur once ..so there must be some hope ...

i just hope that i can handle the wait .....



i miss being happy... and if i could for a spit second i would freeze time on any spot that was as happy as sitting on a sink, making fun faces, or kissing in the rain.....