oh btw im home.

ill explain the number one reason i dont want to be home all summer ....

last summer.

even thought im over it , ive been over it adam means very little to me any more i still feel sick when i wake up in the mornings.
i still wake up and feel like someone just ripped me to shreds and that im dyeing .

i am not .
im in a good place... well atleast i wish i was and like to pretend i am

im slowly coming to the relazations that i forgot how im suposed to feel abotu people .. i keep making freidns with people i dont like , i keep flirting with guys who do not interest me personality wise or even visually , i keep worrying myself sick over things that do not matter
and worse of all im letting my self cling to the stupid little things from me and kyle... kyle the guy i dated for abotu a mnth and a week total.. the guy who i HATED while i was still with him .. the boy who ignored me all day and im sure never once gave a damn if i was there or not ... the boy who told me i was beautiful .. the one who told me he cared about me and never once tried to urge me for sex... (whihc made me worry alot) ... the boy who kissed me while i was sitting on his bathroom sink and i fussed till he came closer to me and made an absolute mess of my favorite shirt and told me he liked how stubborn i was ...

i was happy...
and it all went away
i was even happy at the worst moments...
i mean i was sad that he didnt treat me like i was worth being in the same room as him
but i knew atleast someone out there still thinks im pretty .. but i dont know if someone out there still thinks im amazing and that im worth falling head over heals for
that im worth blowing others off
that im worth baracading away in my apartment for three days in and out of pajamas watchign movies, sleeping in each others arms, takign stupid pictures of kissy faces and silly faces, wispering sweet nothings and waking eachother up with kisses.... even though they know i wont reciprocate until i jump out of bed not even coherent yet to brush my teeth..:) .....

yes im crying as i write this
and yes i admit i miss adam ... only because that was the last time i was truely happy with a guy .

im losing hope that theres any one out there that could make me feel like i did with ryan and adam ...

but i know for a fact that it doesnt only occur once ..so there must be some hope ...

i just hope that i can handle the wait .....



i miss being happy... and if i could for a spit second i would freeze time on any spot that was as happy as sitting on a sink, making fun faces, or kissing in the rain.....