Fleeting

There is something to be said about someone who has managed to maintain a relationship longer than a matter of months, something about having a long term anything might prove to yourself that everything isn't fleeting.
This is something I wouldn't know.
In my life everything is fleeting, nothing has lasted. I guess the only things that have ever lasted in my life is my parents and my brother and even that is so here or there that its irrelevant.
It is rather distressing to be able to tell one exactly how a situation is going to end
having done the same patterns over and over again.

If there is no title, I get to stick around long enough for him to find himself/ recoup/ be happy and then little miss perfect shows up and I am just a "friend" ....
kiss of death .

lovely.

If its all happy and good and I am the one to leave then its out of boredom.
...... I really hope that this isnt a constant. I would like to think that the cure is to find someone who will never bore me, but when was the last time that someone could actually do that.
Life is consistently moving forward, therefore always changing, always something new and forward and mostly better. How can ANYone expect someone to be able to match them step for step in a life that will never be the same as it was 20 mins ago. Is personality and chemistry enough ? Tolerance? Patience ?

And even those things are hard enough to match.
Trust me.

thunderstoms are love

Rehashing; redeveloping, reconnecting.
the best thing for me ever is to stay busy. I am not allowed to stop anymore.

Also I need to remember my priorities. <3

things i have learned this week

Don't sleep in awkward positions.
Don't be so negative, it helps nothing.
Putting your cellphone on vibrate is polite. Esp when the pitiful negative girl is trying to sleep in an awkward position and your ringtones are obnoxious.
Don't set off the alarm in LaGuardia.
Pocket texts are cuter on an android that turns the emotions into faces.
Journals save my brain.
I need to start carrying my craft stuff.
And a lunchbox.
That its kind of important to grow a pair and do what's needed.
Welbutrin isn't enough.
When I fall apart it seems everyone around me does at the same time yet unrelated.
That I have friend girls, that like me, that I don't hate and actually like too.

That I really want to have a sleepover.
And fuzzy slippers.
And to paint my nails.
I am a brat.
...a smart brat :/
That's dangerous.
I have no patience for people for so many reasons.
I like being pretty.
Sometimes I can be chick like.
Crew bag/ laptop not necisarry and very heavy/ burdensome.
Don't break your luggage handle.
Speed tape is the shit.
Speed tape will also cut you.
My memory is going to shit. But only on important things, things I should brush off and forget are wiggle forever.
My phone auto correcting "with me" to wiggle makes me giggle, a lot.
I am far needier than I thought I was.
Crews from new York in general aren't very talkative.
You can make a lot of meals from a continental breakfast.
Rob still gives me tingles when he kisses my cheek.
I can't even try to read my hello kitty watch.
Don't hand people things and walk away.
I can go a long time with no food.
But this makes me even more instable than usual.
Don't drink after doing that.
Esp with your bf. While pmsing.
Don't underestimate bfs understanding/ patience.
Planes/ scheduling respond to happy thoughts.
I am too afraid of change to enjoy myself.
I function best when I have purpose.
I don't really have a current purpose.
Out of all the shit in my suitcase I don't have pants.
I will be rid of facebook soon enough.
I still crave skating.
I still both really love and really hate my job.
I have lost touch with myself.
And most people around me.
I can come off as bitchy when I don't mean to.
Good pilots make a trip.
Music effects me a little too much.
I am ok being up north during a heatwave at home.
People are very very dumb.
Also they feel entitled.
And superior.
I have the uniform I am in charge.
Even if you are old.
I can't sleep past noon anymore.
I really like watching the news.
I love learning new things.
Only if they are interesting.
I love terry pratchet.
I used to have a lot of power.
I was also on a path to kill myself.
I still miss the power :/
I will live longer without it right now.
So will my relationship.
Miss Tori D'affair needs to be trained.
My old life has compleatly ruined my ability to trust anything.
At all.
Self preservation is important.
But self fullfllling prophecies need to be kept in check.
I need to calm down and breathe.
I don't know how.
I can't do this alone.
No one can.
I want to help my friends.

California Day 1

So yesterday I left bright and early for California
and when I say bright and early I dont even mean bright because it was 5 am and the sun wasnt going to be out for quite a while yet. But if I wanted to get to San Louis Obispo I had the leave then. So I get on my plane no problems, I check my bag, I wedge myself into my little sleep position and I cover myself in my pea coat, was lovely. Until I woke up right before descent and I have the worst airsickness I have ever had, (though I have never been airsick before so it wasnt hard) and I manage to make it into my sick sack and am feeling much better and kind of proud that I made it into the bag and didnt make a huge mess and then the flight attendant comes over to try and talk to me about where I am going ... the proud feeling is immediatly embarrasment and I am attempting to make small talk with a bag full of puke in my hands. This is not good, I am trying to decide how to dispose of said bag and end said conversation when I look down and realize it is leaking all over my peacoat. Great. So I ask for some club soda and napkins and perform as much damage control as possible before getting off the plane and carrying around the smelliest jacket from flight to flight ... no good :( also it was my only blanket source I was pretty close to tears, but then I remembered HEY I am going to CALIFORNIA! so yeah I was only grumpy for a bit , but smelly a little longer :X .
So the flight from Charlotte to Pheonix was like a mini twilight zone, I have no clue how long I was actually on that plane with the time zone switch and all and it didnt help I slept most of the flight but the guy next to me kept my waking moment entertaing. Apparently the guy next to me and the two directly across the isle had decided to drink the trip away. Guy next to me ended up with at least 7 bottles before all was said and done and these people ended up geeking out over video games, display severly different ideas on who was punk music and told the girl 10 years thier senior that she was wearing marilyn manson shirts in kindergarden. It was interesting and then they broke the jet bridge. Luckily we were already 20 mins early and no connections were harmed but I got to play buckle the seat belt with a little girl named sparrow and her doll covered in ink pen who was exactly as tall as her. But this was after she crawled into the seat next to me face first into my puky jacket :(
When finally off in Pheonix, which by the way is VERY flat, I went straight across the entire terminal to my gate, chipper and cheerful, just got off the phone with my uncle to remind him, "Hey I will be there in a couple hours! " and as soon as I get to the counter I hear the dreadful words "Thank you for being a volenteer, here is your 300 dollar vaucher and your new gate is right down there." Nonononononoooo. :( the next flight directly to SBP isnt until 9 something, it is 11 am at this point. Luckily I called my uncle and switched myself to Santa Barbara and landed at the same time I was supposed to.
Upon landing I checked to make sure my bag was waiting for me in SBP and got in the car with my cousin Teddy, we drove along the highway which proved to be absolutly stunning and full of color and flowers and far away hill thingies that I think they beleive are mountains... not the case but cool looking none the less. We stopped at a hole in the wall joint and got chilli dogs and onion rings and the like and set off to pick up my bags. Upon arrival no one is at the airport, we have both a giftshop girl AND a TSA agent tell us to go check in the back for the bag/ counter agent and I respond with " I wont get arrested or anything will I ?" ( This is an airport you know, you dont just go waltzing around.) and they respond with "No, but dont tell them I told you you could go back there." Fun. But we went back there and no one was present except another TSA agent who knocked on a door and told us to come back at 8 30 when anyone would be back, there is noone present at the SBP airport from 130- 830 on sundays, not comforting.
After this I meet the cousins girlfriend, I was my jacket, I check my facebook, etc and then my uncle Ted comes home (and yes were are not only dealing with a junior but a III, Theodore is quite the family name) we hang out for a bit and tells me how much I look like my aunt Elaine which I have not heard in years, and we talk to my mom about her trip in Rome and we then head out for sushi. I love sushi and I dont think I have ever had SO much sushi in one sitting. Was lovely. After sushi we went and did a tour of the Madonna Inn while killing time to get my bag, it was amazing. It was this lovely mesh of vintage wonderland. I didnt get to see the rooms in person but they had pictures of all of the themed ones and they were amazing, they had an automatic waterfall urinal in the mens room, there were genuine rock walls with real fossils poking out in places with hand carved railings and whimsical metal work. I died and went to kitchy vintage heaven. everything was bright colored and happy. Oh and they have an infinity pool and a waterfall outside that surges on the hour. http://www.madonnainn.com/ that is the website but I deffinitly suggest googleing "madonna inn rooms" and looking at the pictures they are phenominal. http://www.madonnainn.com/features.php thats the official websites pictures of the rooms.
So after my tour and some pictures we went and got my bag, we got back to the house chatted and then I finally went to sleep almost 20 hours after my 5 am boarding.
was lovely :) Now on to day 2 <3

Eek Goals!

So I think I finally broke the slump and am now onto goals.
Also I made the mistake of stepping on the scale this morning ( the day my lovley lady time starts) and have gained like 6 lbs...

Might be due to nature, might also be due to me eating nothing but fried shit and drinking and sleeping and being sedentary all the time... :/

so to retaliate I have begun little work outs and diet changes while working ... I figure if i keep these up while working i can slack on the free time considering how little of it i actually have...

ALSO I really am beginning to feel quite guilty about being gone all the time.. I miss my family, I miss my boyfriend, I miss my derby girls and I miss everything that is happening .. I have a feeling when the warm sets in things will get better PLUS I just got bumped up two slots in seniority at work which makes me no longer the company bitch! woo!

so speaking of being the bitch, I have always been the one to clean up messes and take care of problems, not to bitch and complain or ask questions, just if I see a mess I clean it up or fix it or whatever needs to be done and the other day I had a set of puking twin infants destroy the back two rows of my plane on landing. I immediately went into the "shit how am I going to clean this with out water" mind set and apparently I don't even have to look at it , we have a cleaning crew! tell me that is not amazing.

So on this lovely day I wish everyone luck in their endeavors and I am quite hopeful on mine :)

oh oh! Lets over think EVERYTHING!

So the absolute best part about my new career is I am completely under slept all of the time... again. Woo...
or not.
And unfortunitly when I get that way I get very cranky and over think every little thing. So those pants straight out of the dryer fitting snug means I have gained a million pounds and am going to turn into a fat cow, my person joking with some girl means I am completely hideous and no one will ever love me, my friends not answering their phones means they hate me, and my inability to remember what day it is means I am losing my brain entirely.
Frankly my only solution to this is more napping and general self care and to fake it till I make it .. right?
I started to be happy doing that and I kind of lost it so reset?
It is kind of hard at the moment but what I am aiming for and fortunitly some good things have come from my brain not shutting off ... like I remember how I fixed myself before, removing toxic people and things from my life, imposing some self discipline, self betterment as a main priority, etc.

so umm .. in my lack of nap thought process... wish me luck <3

Who reads the Economist, really?

The only people who read the Economist are business men who want to be seen reading the Economist, this is why I always find issues on my planes because once they are done being seen looking intellectual and money savvy they ditch their trash on my plane to go do whatever it is intellectual money savvy business men go do. Oh yeah, their secretaries. Now don't get me wrong, I have no qualms with business men, they make up the majority of my flights, they cause no problems and rarely make me fill out a liquor form.
But I do have a problem with their toys.
Normally about one out of 150 of my passengers are under the age of 14, which is a shame because they listen better than the adults. When a person of authority tells an 8 year old to put their Hello Kitty back pack alll the way under the seat in front of them, they do. (Well to the best of their abilities I assure you ) But when you inform a full grown woman that yes, her Prada purse is still a carry on and no she can not put it behind her feet, or in her lap, or against the wall, or anywhere except in the over head bin (that she can view from her seat mind you) because she wants the extra leg room of the emergency exit seat in the front row (also note the woman is 5 foot even) she looks at you like you are mad and there is no way in hell she will part with that pocket book any quicker than she would a colostomy bag. And this happens about once every 3 flights where I either assure her no one will snatch anything from her purse because, well its a tiny flight with about 10 passengers and she can put it in the bin across from her to keep a watchful eye on it and any hoodlums who get near it or she can move. But this is nothing compared to what I was getting to about the grown ups and their toys.
I for one know how addictive electronics can be, ask the grave yard of them I have accumulated or the wish list still growing, but you are grown adults, turn them off. Not airplane mode, not sleep mode, not silent mode, OFF. It absolutely will not kill you to turn off and tune out for 10 mins during take off and landing and frankly if you leave them on , it might kill you. We inform you to turn these things off for a reason, and it is the same ladies and gentlemen who board my flights sniggering about how its a miracle the plane will make it to their destination and about how nervous prop planes make them that leave their crackberries on for the entire flight ignoring how that might interfere with the instruments. You would think that someone nervous about a plane would do what they can to ensure that its at its safest level.
Oh and facing your phone/iPod/iPad/Blackberry/Droid/Whatever into your lap inconspicuously doesn't help. It illuminates your crotch, so do both of us a favor and don't insult me by treating me like I am oblivious, just turn it off. This also applies for when I am sitting at the front of the plane, we take off and immediately the white ceiling over your head illuminates bright blue and starts flashing. White ceilings reflect. Oh and Mr. Gangster rap, I can hear your head phones from the front row, even the lyrics.


I swear I really do love my job.

Red Light Valentine.

Driving down the back roads from the airport to the hotel in Huntington , West Virginia there really isnt much to see, a few run down houses, a gas station here and there and this one eye catching store front converted from an old house full of nothing but red.
Driving past a wall of glass at midnight on a Monday while it glows every shade of red imaginable, pulsing evil vibes when you realize the items bathing in the fire glow are little white teddy bears clutching hearts, heart lollipops, felt roses, heart shaped balloons and cheap hard candies. The perfect creepy mix of innocence and back woods horror movie all by its self, on the back roads to the hotel from Huntington airport.