What a Saccharin Sweetheart.

So Im dealing with a lot of thinking and a lot of rehashing and a lot of choices...
This is leaving me brain dead and slightly grumpy ... Last time this happened I took a step back and evaluated my life and my alternatives and realized I by far was making the best choice.. and in this lovely little cryptic mess I haven't had a chance to completely remove myself from the situation but with my observations I am making an amazing choice.... now if only my brain would calm down and just be happy :) <3

How Sickly Sinister Sweetheart.

I have been feeling quite feisty lately, I blame the weather. I am back to some level of happy and creating and singing again. I have been making things like crazy for my co workers and really need to take advantage of this spark and start putting stuff together for etsy...

I also need to turn on the fan, take off my work clothes, lay in the sun and daydream. I will do the etsy stuff later.

<3

PS. any one interested in some jewelry, let me know

Brown Eyes, I Would Follow You Anywhere

So I have come to the conclusion that the more I react to something the more reasonable the conclusion tends to be, and the hotter my flesh goes, and the more knots my stomach is in , the less there is even need for it. *Sigh* Oh to live the life of a girl, don't believe what they say, it is shit.

So todays story is going to be about lack of decisiveness. Have you ever noticed the whole "I dunno, what do you wanna do" circle and how absolutely painful it is? It is either spawned by neither person wanting to tell the other what they really want to do (IE: jump ones bones, leave, something really creepy, etc. ) or no one really wanting to do anything.

Regardless, people need to learn some creativity. Take up coffee and hiking and gtfo.

Don't Flatter Yourself, Or Why 'When Harry Met Sally' Is Making More Sense

So I work a lot, this is just how I need to be right now, but I am an immensely social person. I am constantly wanting to be around friends and out and about doing things, and working at 4:30 in the morning during the weekends, well that will kill anyones social life who isn't friends with a bunch of unemployed raging alcoholics. So being that I like my raging alcoholics to be employed I try to branch out and make friends with people who do the same sort of things as me and well.. either they are girls and have lives and boyfriends and excersize routines, or they are guys and automatically assume that since I want to hang out I want to have sex with them.
That is not the case, but does being back into question, can men and women be just friends? I have always wanted to believe that yes, I can be just friends with anyone and all people are wonderful kind sane understanding rational beings. Since then I have become a little more sane myself and realized that no, people are far from sane. At my current age in life I am fairly certain that unless you have been friends with this person all your life and find them sufficiently "icky" your immediate reaction (given that they are not completely repulsive) to meeting someone brand new of the opposite sex is "I wonder if I could get away with making out with them."
I don't know if it is because this is the age where half our friends are getting married and having babies, or because we are still running off the college adrenaline and want to screw everything. And by that I totally mean that we are at the peak of our animalistic fertility and have a longing desire to produce offspring. (ignore the college boning.)Something here has got to give though, either I just cant have friends that are guys until they forget I have breasts or I just need to continue to ignore their constant come ons or ridiculous insecurities due to them thinking I am the one trying to screw them.
So please boys and girls, do yourselves a favor. Don't flatter yourself, make friends first, and maybe you WILL find something and it wont be some superficial one night stand.

Time to stop listing, and time to start doing.

As it has almost been a year since I have even placed an entry into this lovely little realm of my world I figure I should start with a recap.
- Building I guess a career out of working at the airport.
- Living with mommydaddy to save money and hassle of the landlords
- Attempting to put a dent in my student loans
- Attempting to live life , be an adult, and break this depression

Other than that I have just started a few hobbies like Derby and I have a violin and a faux Blythe doll (blybe) in the mail. Hopefully this will start me having a life to my own and maybe bring in a few more dollars making things for the Blythe realm of the internet. I think I have decided that I no longer want to spend my time searching for the one and one day when I am in the path I am wanting to be in, if I find someone there next to me I will be happy. (and far more healthy than these lusty pitfalls everyones thinking is love.)


-VIXCKS

lilith

isn't she sweet
isn't she cute!
isn't she just the picture of happyness and purity?

put her on a pedestal all you want silly boy
you know your princess is out taking boys money
taking boys hearts
and giving her body

your little saint is lying to everyone
your little darling is poluting mens souls
your little sweetheart isnt yours
not at all
your hers

shes been doing this for years
dont feel bad your not the first
and you wont be the last
but the sad
sick twisted part

she isnt the only one.

wana know what my dreams ar elike right now? how life has been for the past yr ?

you fucker
didnt you know
i can already see the twists

i can always see the twists

she is crying
you are kissing her
she is crying
she is up against the wall and she is screaming
you are kissing you
why cant you hear her scream
why cant you see she is crying

you are kissing her.

stop reminding me that failed

hello
this is my names
this is my face
i reject you
nice to meat you

i told you
i told you
i FUCKING told you
i told me
nothing would come of it
nothing would fucking come of it

stop your fuckign dreaming
if you want to end up happy
stop building fuckign castles

stop fuckign dreaming

I FUCKING TOLD YOU

stop you goddamned crying

your suposed to be strong you purile brat

you cannot be strong and the victim at the same time

broken is not beautiful



they only want to fuck you .

so do it and move on already,
and for god sakes quit you fucking crying.

confession, profession, apoologetic relizations ...

i regret never sneaking onto the roof
i regret never stealing pictures of Richmond from Kyle's 8th floor window

i regret spending hours in guys apartments waiting for something good
doing nothing but watching them play games and wonder why the hell I'm still around being bored

i regret a lot of things
most of all being stupid and not being selfish and letting my life live

i regret being so submissive
letting things happen that i should have shut down along time ago

i apologize for letting myself get this far lost
i apologize for treating you like a toy because it was the only way i knew how to cope
to take YOU and use YOU to make me feel like I was the one in charge because i had so utterly lost myself
and any hope there was left to have

you just thought i was a whore...

no... i'm just a fucked up little girl whose lost all hope and faith in love, decent people, and believing men at all

i apologize for my ways
even thought none of you ever will.

oh btw im home.

ill explain the number one reason i dont want to be home all summer ....

last summer.

even thought im over it , ive been over it adam means very little to me any more i still feel sick when i wake up in the mornings.
i still wake up and feel like someone just ripped me to shreds and that im dyeing .

i am not .
im in a good place... well atleast i wish i was and like to pretend i am

im slowly coming to the relazations that i forgot how im suposed to feel abotu people .. i keep making freidns with people i dont like , i keep flirting with guys who do not interest me personality wise or even visually , i keep worrying myself sick over things that do not matter
and worse of all im letting my self cling to the stupid little things from me and kyle... kyle the guy i dated for abotu a mnth and a week total.. the guy who i HATED while i was still with him .. the boy who ignored me all day and im sure never once gave a damn if i was there or not ... the boy who told me i was beautiful .. the one who told me he cared about me and never once tried to urge me for sex... (whihc made me worry alot) ... the boy who kissed me while i was sitting on his bathroom sink and i fussed till he came closer to me and made an absolute mess of my favorite shirt and told me he liked how stubborn i was ...

i was happy...
and it all went away
i was even happy at the worst moments...
i mean i was sad that he didnt treat me like i was worth being in the same room as him
but i knew atleast someone out there still thinks im pretty .. but i dont know if someone out there still thinks im amazing and that im worth falling head over heals for
that im worth blowing others off
that im worth baracading away in my apartment for three days in and out of pajamas watchign movies, sleeping in each others arms, takign stupid pictures of kissy faces and silly faces, wispering sweet nothings and waking eachother up with kisses.... even though they know i wont reciprocate until i jump out of bed not even coherent yet to brush my teeth..:) .....

yes im crying as i write this
and yes i admit i miss adam ... only because that was the last time i was truely happy with a guy .

im losing hope that theres any one out there that could make me feel like i did with ryan and adam ...

but i know for a fact that it doesnt only occur once ..so there must be some hope ...

i just hope that i can handle the wait .....



i miss being happy... and if i could for a spit second i would freeze time on any spot that was as happy as sitting on a sink, making fun faces, or kissing in the rain.....

my lovely term paper for life science on psycho therapy

Throughout history different forms of psychiatric therapy have been used, experimented with, and rejected. Forms of therapy range from physical means, such as drugs and psychiatric surgery, to more of a one on one or even a group discussion type therapy. Along with therapy evolving so has the classifications of what is considered mentally ill and what is not. Psychiatry in itself was once stigmatized and is now becoming more common and less feared (Palmer), to the point that almost every one knows someone in therapy or on medication for a mental illness, where in the earlier 20th century being ill was not something people shared openly or accepted.

Different forms of therapy ranging from pills, surgery, submission techniques, psychoanalysis, and institutions of nurture have been experimented with, extinguished, and developed over the years. The most referenced form of psychiatric surgery, the lobotomy, was created in 1890 when Friederich Golz used dogs as subjects to make them calmer by slicing their frontal lobes.(Rotten) Gottlieb Burkhardt decided to try the procedure on humans, with successful trials for 5 out of the six patients used in the experiment. The patients did not necessarily get better but did become much easier to handle, which was Burkhardt's goal. Making docile patients and controllable people is largely the true goal of psychiatric methods. There is no attempt or intention to bring about sanity, happiness, causitiveness or responsibility for the patient.(Zimmer) More experiments were carried out using humans and animals such as monkeys, and a year later lobotomies were taken to the next level by Walter Freeman who began using a faster technique where an ice pick like object was used and was inserted into the eye socket verses the previous technique where holes where drilled into the patients head. The same affect was reached but in a shorter amount of time. During his "career," he performed an estimated 3,500 or more lobotomies, fully aware of the destruction he was causing.(Zimmer) The lobotomy grew in popularity to the point where in 1942 approximately 5,000 people were lobotomized each year and in1949 Egaz Moniz won a Nobel prize for his technique.(Austin,1) Not only are lobotomies not a thing of the past, even after the gruesome tales of how they didn't fix the patients but made them easier to handle, as if they were an annoying pet or something one doesn't want to deal with but they have been further developed and are now being practiced safer using radio active implants, proton beams, cryogenisis and ultrasonic waves(Austin,1) to simulate the same effects. A more encouraging fact is that even though lobotomies are still being preformed fewer than 20 psycho surgical operations are now carried out each year in the United States and are not as damaging as lobotomies once were.(Austin,1)

Another more recent form of therapy, shock therapy, or Electro convulsive Therapy (ECT) is thought to have been banned by many. But in the United Kingdom studies show in the three month period of January to March 1999, 2,800 patients were shocked with 16,000 individual administrations of electroshock. Of 700 of these patients detained against their will during this time, 59% were given ECT against their will. (Austin,2) Side effects include memory loss, permanent epilepsy, dyskinesias, tics and twitches and even death. ECT is performed by placing electrodes on either side of the patients head or sometimes just on the one side, shocks are administered about 6 10 times in intervals of 3 shocks a week. ECT is marketed in the psychiatry field as quick and cost effective.(Austin,2)

There were many other forms of therapy used that were not quite as damaging and controversial as shock treatment and lobotomies. There were many procedures used just to scare the patients into submission. Examples are confinement to a chair, referred to as the Tranquilizing Chair and plunging patients into ice cold water from a bridge that would collapse unexpectedly. These procedures caused the patients to be quiet and to comply with the doctors, but never actually cured them.(Pols)

Therapy was not always so cruel and demeaning, some religious groups felt that insane people were more so misguided and confused and needed to be nurtured and helped. In 1792 William Tuke, a Quaker, collected funds and created a retreat where patients where surrounded with a nurturing pleasant environment.(Pols) People grew interested in his ideas and the first United States mental hospital was opened in 1859, The Institute of Pennsylvania Hospital.

A man heavily associated with psychology, Sigmund Freud made psychoanalysis popular. It is now one of the most popular and common forms of therapy. This form of therapy uses a persons psyche instead of their biological aspects to determine their problems. Psychoanalysis has been one of the most influential treatment methods in the twentieth century. (Pols) The only problem with psychoanalysis was the expensive cost, so some patients were still made to suffer more primitive means of therapy.

In the more current culture psychotherapy is losing followers and the majority of patients are now using pills to solve their problems, which were once reserved for the extremely ill, but are now being taken by people who can manage every day life but suffer from depression and anxiety. This treatment is viewing psychological ailments as biological problems once again instead of viewing variables and events in our lives, interpreting pain and suffering as caused by brain chemistry rather than by unusual challenges faced in life. (Pols)

Throughout time what is being defined as mentally ill has been changing. Homosexuals are no longer recognized as being mentally afflicted, and promiscuity has become a symptom instead of a disease in itself. When the church was more involved with the government and citizens, having problems that reflected sinful activity were classified as being possessed by a demon or even a witch, the people of the church did not recognize gamblers or lustful women as having a mental problem as much as they made it seem it was their own fault for not being one with God. Even in different countries mental illness means something entirely different. Eastern cultures tend to not recognize depression because it is their tradition to not complain repeatedly about vague symptoms and in some cultures women's complaints are almost entirely ignored, being brushed off due to hormones, blamed on their time of the month, and even that women are naturally sensitive and emotional. Women have been subject to ads for Prozac with a tone making it come off as if being depressed or anxious is something happening to all women. One advertisement depicts a woman almost dancing in front of a giant box made to look like laundry detergent with the words: Prozac, Mood Brightener, New Improved Life! Fresher! Cleaner! Better than Ever!, Wash Your Blues Away! (Pols)(attached) Making it appear to women that it is normal and that all they have to do is buy a little pill to make their lives better, which causes a dependency which could probably have been avoided with a little therapy to find out what is wrong with their life instead of what they think is wrong with their brain.

When psychiatric therapy first came about it was a rather taboo subject where people who were ill were treated like they were no longer human, When physicians became interested in insanity, lunacy, and madness, they portrayed mentally ill individuals as having lost their reason, which makes us human beings human.(Pols) The techniques were barbaric with little care for the patient and its been portrayed even in more recent institutions that the patients do not particularly matter and that they are there only to be rehabilitated enough to be placed back into society with out causing problems. Doctors were using people as guinea pigs to understand how to sedate them easier, and most treatments were not proven to work, or cure anything at all. The treatments were similar to training an animal where if the patient did not perform well or fit in well with society you gave them either positive or negative reinforcement until they learned to follow the rules of society, but this does not help the individual who is seeking help. Even though some institutions have been rumored to still treat patients like this, therapy and psychiatry have grown into a very respectable field. Going to therapy has become common and for some people its a way of life that does not seem strange or wrong to them. Some people use therapy to regulate themselves, to have someone to talk to when they have no other outlet, or some are even introduced to it through a friend or family member and just enjoy having it to turn to, not necessarily using it because they think they are ill. With group therapy being prominent in todays culture you can join a group for just about any problem or reason imaginable, its not just for adults portrayed as stressed out and in need of therapy, schools as young as elementary offer therapy and counseling for student with subjects ranging from assault and bullying to dealing with a divorce. Psychiatric therapy has become an every day, unavoidable aspect of life even if its imagined as extreme treatment it does include counseling and more calm, less medical approaches. Because counseling, therapy, and some anti-depressant drugs became so common defining mentally ill in our society is almost impossible, the line between sick and well is blurred. Some one can be a little neurotic but not need medication while at the same time someone seemingly fine could qualify to be on some form of medication or therapy, but no one can really say for sure who is more sane of the two.

Psychiatric Therapy has changed drastically throughout the years, becoming more humane and less experimental, though there are still lapses in current strategies. Time and society have redefined aspects of how psychological illnesses are viewed and handled, and it will continue to change with the debate of psychological ailments being mental or physical. Treatments can only improve with the experience being gained and the knowledge and learning we have from past mistakes and experiments.

where the hell am i anymore

so i went out tonight with kirk and dortheya (sp?) which nice... i mean i like hanging out with THEM .... i feel all hard core now cuz me and her had to pee like no ones buisness we knocked on some strangers door and no dice tried to kick the boys outta the bathroom no dice... followed kirk to the ally ... dice all the way lol we have earned our college girlscout badges!
so yea new friend she is pretty awsome .. helps me talk about shit ...
kirks just plain great ... made him ramen 2wice tonight and yea every time hes liek weelllllll gr! im liek hey look! RAMEN! lol and its good ...
finally trygint o be nice to kevin ... its gettign there... i shoudl wrk on the tolleration thing i dont have (comeing to the relization of how STUCKTHEFUCK UP she really is) even tho adam isnt helping hes like but i love you cuz your a bitch but i love the kid and its good cuz he only tells me to be nice to michael (how cute being an only child he is ) and yea so its cool im pretty good at beign mean to peopel i barely know but seing how hes around alot i guess i must be a little less hatefull but neWAI uhhhhh kirks roomate watches hentai in class LOL ... dont ask! uhhhh
late night 711 runs are fun ... today was kinda all around shitty but ended decently ... i just have somethigns to sort out ... did i mention i HATE pot heads,,,, lol but yea im SURROUNDED .... :'( so i miss husband ... and no husband for me this weekend :(((((((( hes gettign his teeth out ... which is gonna just all around SUCK .... for the BOTH Of us.. i think im gonna get the worse of it just cuz at the second thursday ill be on the fone with him all day bitching about how i neeeeeeeed to see him and yea... no GOOD!

ok so im not makign much sence but i missed this thing

i love

.vic

heffer goes to heck

turn to channel three

wheres the remote

you poor fool you still dont know where you are do you !? there is NO REMOTE!!!!


AHHhHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!



"*cries* im a glooton im a glooton " ( poor cow cant say glutton)

humble bees

i drempt about splinters last night
i wasdoing somethign with m hands andi kept haveing to pull little shards of wood out of my finger tips

myspace is down alot latly

michael drinks to much juice
and eats his lunch for breakfast

so michael while were on that topic
when did michael become the biggest ass hole on earth? hes foudn a way to make my life hell every day ive been home , and continues to do so . today is moms birthday and i m goign to be cooking all day so as he walks out of the door "have fun doing nothing "
does he not ocmprehend that i am on break ... that this is my vaation and i spent the whole time cleaning thier fuckign house?
hes likeing to flaunt his grades and talk about how hes going to have his liscence before me and how hes going to get moms car

first off mom said shes not giving her lincoln to ANYONE
so he can shove it

i dont feel so hot this mornig i had a foot long meatball sub
and apparently it never digested....

:(

well im off

vic

beauty

i want every day to feel like today
soft weather
i want an abandoned hous ein the country to play in
to find old things
to find forgotten things
to have somewhere nothign else has been
well nothign in a long time

i want ot take pictures of my feet when i walk
i want to capture the circle around the moon and paint it on my ceiling
i want to henna sleves and feet and wear nothign but red and orange silk for a mnth
i want to wear my bindi and my curls
i want to own a house one day and fill the living room to match a morocan resturant
pillows on the floor and scarves on the wall

i want to belly dance with bells on my ankles and hips

i think the ankles and hips are 2 of the most beautiful parts of the human body
i love my wrists
i want to wear bells on them too
but mostly they already jingle
i want to be graceful
i want to be a dancer

she has a body like a belly dancer
and i love them
one thing that has my entire attention

i want to spin in circles and spin till im sitting and pick the nearest flower and lose myself in it
i want to grow up and be a mermaid
i want to talk to my fish every day
i want to have prudence forever

i want my children to grow up and be as strong as i am
but i want them to be as innocent as i am too
i want everyone to expeirence beauty

everythign tends to be lost
i want to swim
i want to sleep in public
i love sitting in the road

i want to wake up one day under a tree
never knowing when exactly i stopped paying attention to my thoughts and fell asleep
i want to watch myself for a week
i want to wander london by myself

i want to sit and sing
i want to stay beautiful
i love my freckles

i want my freinds to come back to me
but i kinda want to be alone
i dont really want to understand who i am
but i want to understand everythign you say
and every thing you do






i love who i am

pecans love chairs and hippies

friday was me and adams three month! every one dance a little!
umm friday i had to wait so i got mad at my cleanign and slept some and slacked off.... o well i got to see adam and we went and hug out with chelsea... and i didnt relize she was leavign this morning....so i spent time with her last night and went to dorm and cried a little .. but ill be ok ... im just sad cuz its chelsea and i love the girl .. and i hate how when people promise u theyll come back to see you .. they never really do .....

it just works out that way every time for me ...

:'(

but happy ness cuz me and adam are happy ..

and thats always a good thing...

<3
vic

3 months later

so today is three months... woo!!
i get to see adam tonight ... good stuff..
and um ... yea
im so happy...


o btw...
if u leave comments please please leave names... thnx!

-vic

crack!!!!!!!

explanation for last post......
the only thing i could possibly say for that is they were snorting too much coke off the hobo toilettes.....


unless your mike then it was the hookers ass


thats all i can say about that



ack!!! they wont leave my posts alone

apparently mike had the male hooker while tony had the ugly chick that weighed more than 5 normal hookers put together.....

now whihc is worse... realy?


heheheh
i lvoe being in this room sometimes..
i met some guy he was nice .. i need to do alot of work tonight


" she had the tightest ass and tits ever " - mike

" this riot grrrr....ul"

mike fondels riot grrls boobs.. hes straight up brave as hell!!!!!!!


i swear to you im not drunk ....



i lVOe ..... being in this room ..... SHUT UP tony!!!!!





mmm starbursts!!!!


ok i think ill leave ive tramatized u enough!

<3
tori

i keep trying and trying

joel-peter witkin

46464646446464646

trance techno fisho

weekends are awsome
boy friends are best
fish are good and so is tea

ok so my weekend

friday i slack .. but i manage to go in for my meetign .. change my major .. get my advising done and yay thats besides the 3 classes i had to do and gettign up at 7 am to do homework but i didnt go swimming :( it was entirely to cold to risk being outside with kinda wet hair .. so i decided we'll start when i get back and every one is feeling well

i call adam liek 5 times... get a little worried and then he calls me back and hes coming ...
yay
they show up and i get in the car meet the mommy .. who is adorible as hell and super nice to me .. and then were on our way to pet smart ...
im a little worried that i ddint wait till after thanksgiving break but i got week end feeders so they shoudl be ok i got a beta who seems to change colors .. hes got red fins and a white bluegreen and red body ... his name is trance fisho ... ie mr fisho the 4th......
i bought 5 feeder fish
one with a mohawk - levi
a gold one - mitus
a white one with orange on his head - mouse / chicken (lol he looks like a hen , un gallina!)
one with a thicker mohawk - leopold 2
and one with a black middle - barthalamew

after pets i got adams suprise ready ... ie we went out with amanda and had kirk meet us ... adam says he knew what the suprise was but he was glad thats what it was any way .. so yay

kinda lol

so we hang out im happy cuz adam got to see his friend and i m hanging out with amanda and its justa good night ... so then we come back to dorm and im laying in my bed coughing so he goes and makes me some tea comign back periodiclya nd he said soemthgin that made me so incredibly happy that i almost melted into my bed and had happy tears lol
turns out our favorite angry boy is capable of love...

*smiles*

dude! he made me tea.......
yay ...

mmm

so anyway ... the rest of the weekend ... kissy face and all that jazz ... and yea... some cryign from me ... whihc is a mix of horomones and other... SUCKED!!
but he made me feel better which is ... very yay

um ...

i showed mike and richard and sarah my fishos... :)

i love them ...

levis my favorite...
and fisho fisho of course!

trance...

i liek it ..

well ok then i think im gonna go prep for mondaya nd get my psych done too

i love

<3

toribeth

i know what yoru thinkign and i dont need your reasons

how come your sns so hard to pronounce
cuz im bitter that my last name isnt schmulovitz

heheh

miss me ?
of course not your not there ...

so any way college is decent im goign home tuesday to go to pa wednesday morning
and of course ill be ragging over thanksgiving ... eat much >? i deffintily will
sucks

im gonna start swimmign on friday
im gonna have so much to do friday
i have to go to an 8 am class then to an advisor for a walk in hopefully ill get it in time for my next class so i can get the classes i want ...and need
btw if u didnt know im switiching my major to bio from acounting so yay ... every ones leik .. wow what a change .. but its time for change .. and yea
healthyer hopefully and yea
im just sick of being sick and feelign like crap 24 7

tomarrow nigth adams coming over his mommys gonna take us to pet smart to get fish .. yay .. ive been needing new fish for a while ... and some pebbles and a new plant ... i kinda killed that too

my room for once isnt terible and its a thursday .. normally this is its peak of trashed
i recomend at least a dorm life to every one ...
i love it here so much ...

im putting third floor on quarentine tho... every one is sick and ONE of them got me sick ... and i need to be well already .. sick for 2 mnths with 3 different things!!!!

ack!

i blame the fuck outta them lol but i love the fuck outta them ..

umm .. its cooold out today its been sooo nice out but i went out this mornign and froze my ass off ...

*sigh* make the heat come back .. and my hair too while ur at it .. its gettign long but not long enough

<3
victori